COMMENTARY
A VICTIM NO MORE
Bob Schwiderski
There are two words in the healing/recovery process that cause confusion, misunderstanding
and rebuttal whenever I speak or write them. One is the “F word” (forgiveness),
which causes many to rise from their chairs. The other is “apology,” which
causes many others to stare with open mouths or concern. I have also noticed
that many of those who have not suffered from the trauma of sexual abuse often
are disconnected or naïve about solutions to healing or even the right
words to use.
Before you go further – take forgiving the perpetrators off the table
and put it in the trash can with cardinals’ and bishops’ apologies.
Ready? If not, get up and walk around. Ready? The ability to find “forgiveness” gave
me life. Let me tell you what worked for me as I first started to walk my personal
path to find healing and recovery from six years of sexual abuse by a priest
during my prepubescent years. When I made the causal connection between what
happened to me as a child and the resulting recognition of injuries, I needed
to overcome its negative effects and dynamics.
First, I took responsibility for myself and began appropriate actions to take
care of myself. I needed to identify whether to be a victim, a survivor or
a victor. I chose to survive and conquer. My ultimate step toward freedom and
victory, to become whole, meant to let go of my personal burdens of shame and
guilt and resentment. Forgiveness, whereby I forgave myself and gave the shame
and guilt to God – made me a victim no more.
Forgiveness of self is good for those still burdened by personal shame, guilt,
anger, resentment, and other “stuck-in-the-mud” obstacles. To hell
with the perps and their protectors – let them carry the millstone around
their necks.
Apologies, as Tom Doyle knows, are also huge for many victims of sexual abuse.
Remember, no phony words from cardinals or bishops!
Every survivor of sexual abuse who has ever participated in support group discussions,
and those in the mission of survivor supporter, are aware of many survivors
who have been challenged or denied by their family members, members of their
church, and the public at large. Those rebuffed, denied, and burdened by “familial
nonbeliever” and/or “parental silence” pull at my heartstrings.
All too often I burden myself by holding this pain of others in my heart – an
issue of vicarious trauma I must avoid.
I have witnessed hundreds of survivors find openings to the doors leading to
the path of healing and recovery – when their families apologized for
not understanding, for their denials, and for other wrongs they errantly placed
on their brothers and sisters, sons and daughters. These apologies often bore
forgiveness that furthered the work of healing and recovery.
Back to Tom Doyle. Please
read this again before you continue.
I witnessed a survivor lose his burdens in the arms of Tom Doyle, a profound
spiritual event I will never forget. I met a young man, a father of three,
at the 2005 SNAP conference in Denver. This survivor had broken his silence
not more than two months earlier. He opened his heart while sharing his burdens,
his fears, his hopes of saving his marriage, and love for his wife and children.
He also shared his fight to keep his faith even though he could not go into
a Catholic church or talk to a priest – triggers which he could not overcome
at that time.
The next year, at the SNAP conference in Chicago, now knowing that meeting
with Tom Doyle might knock down a wall, a moment came where I pulled the survivor
into Tom’s space and between a couple of others Tom was talking to. A
mere three or four words were spoken and then I witnessed the man buckle and
flow with emotion as Tom’s wisdom and understanding embraced the survivor.
Their embrace, words and sharing brought me to tears. I witnessed a spiritual
event and heard a tearful Tom Doyle apologize for the injuries the Catholic
Church had inflicted on this survivor - an apology that opened the locked door
and released a survivor’s soul.
It has been over a year since that apology, a year filled with this young man,
his wife and their children worshiping as a family in his childhood Catholic
Church – a year also blessed with aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends
sharing other apologies and the liberating balm of forgiveness.
In closing, I encourage those with confusions and misunderstandings about apologiesand forgiveness to enlighten yourselves.
“Robin, you were only a kid….”
Another note on the complexities of healing from sexual abuse appeared in
the Santa Barbara Independent in connection with the Archdiocese
of Los Angeles settlement. Click here.
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